It's late again, I'm a night owl and like to stay up as long as I can.

Well things worked out well today, my son got his math homework done and caught up; my daughter did some housework, always a good thing.

Tonight relationships are on my mind. How hard they are and how people seem to always be on different pages or at different stages in them. When I want to be close, he needs space and then when he wants closeness, I'm off doing something else. Is this always the way when two people try to share their lives? Be it friends or lovers or family or whomever, people are never in sync with this stuff.

Then enter the emotional part of it all. If I'm pissy then why can't I tell him I'm pissy? If he's jealous or unsure, why can't he just say that he's jealous or unsure? We seem to do these dances where neither of us know the steps and if by the off chance that we do know them, we aren't listening to the same music.

So earlier this week he told me that he wanted to take things down a notch. Needless to say I was surprised, well blown away might be a better description of how I felt. Okay, so he's now being honest and forthright with me, telling me what he needs and why. My reaction? Was knee-jerk to say the least. But instead of saying what I was feeling, I felt the door to my heart close, damn thing slammed shut in fact and I haven't been able to really say what I'm feeling since. Well there was this one night when we got drunk on sambuca but that doesn't really count because neither of us remembers what was said.

After I calmed down, I did some journalling about it. I honestly took a look at what part I might have played in his decision to back away and seriously I can't see anything. So then I realized that yes, he was being honest and true to himself, what right do I have to question that? But now, what is my role in this relationship? I thought I knew, I felt to comfortable with him, we were on the same dance floor, we knew the steps and we had the same song playing in our heads, so what happened? I don't know and he's not really saying. Oh it's probably up to me to bring it up and to open up the communication but why should I have to do it? I resent this, a lot.

But really, these are my feelings and he deserves to know. But by bringing it up again (he probably thinks it's all okay now that a week has past without me saying a word) do I come across as being needy and clingy? Do I come across a the type of woman who can't let things go? Do I come across as the convincer? Please don't do this it hurts me and makes me feel insecure and unsure in our relationship? I can't seem to find a way to broach the subject without sounding like a whiner. And that knee-jerk reaction? My pride wants to tell him to hit the road that we are over. Mature, huh?

Does he really deserve to know what I'm feeling? I need to resolve this, I need to talk it out, I need him to understand that I'm confused and hurt. But I've missed my chance because now he's gone out of town and I won't see him for 2 more weeks. Sigh...

So I've decided to take a wait and see approach, I'm trying to be - ugh! - patient. Nothing has changed between us that I can see so I'm wondering if it was all just a defense mechanism in him. And I know he'll tell me because he's a talker, I just want him to be a listener too.

That's it for now. Relationships are hard and in the past I've just run away from all the drama and emotional sharing, I don't usually play well with others, we'll see what happens this time using my new shut up and wait and see attitude. I hope resentment and unspoken words don't cause a build up that remains unresovled within me cause I don't wanna go there again!

Night all!

Lesley