I have become unstuck. I felt like I was mired in concrete, couldn't make a fucking decision to save my life, not even where to get my hair cut! It was not like me and I found it distressing and upsetting. But like I said, I have now become unstuck and things are starting to happen. I guess when something ends it has to really be over, the energy has to complete itself or something before the next thing can begin. And I have so many options, the trouble now is trying to decide which one to pick...life continues to be the most interesting thing going!
More later, stay zen, I, too, find that it helps to open my palm and just watch the issues fly...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
It's late again, I'm a night owl and like to stay up as long as I can.
Well things worked out well today, my son got his math homework done and caught up; my daughter did some housework, always a good thing.
Tonight relationships are on my mind. How hard they are and how people seem to always be on different pages or at different stages in them. When I want to be close, he needs space and then when he wants closeness, I'm off doing something else. Is this always the way when two people try to share their lives? Be it friends or lovers or family or whomever, people are never in sync with this stuff.
Then enter the emotional part of it all. If I'm pissy then why can't I tell him I'm pissy? If he's jealous or unsure, why can't he just say that he's jealous or unsure? We seem to do these dances where neither of us know the steps and if by the off chance that we do know them, we aren't listening to the same music.
So earlier this week he told me that he wanted to take things down a notch. Needless to say I was surprised, well blown away might be a better description of how I felt. Okay, so he's now being honest and forthright with me, telling me what he needs and why. My reaction? Was knee-jerk to say the least. But instead of saying what I was feeling, I felt the door to my heart close, damn thing slammed shut in fact and I haven't been able to really say what I'm feeling since. Well there was this one night when we got drunk on sambuca but that doesn't really count because neither of us remembers what was said.
After I calmed down, I did some journalling about it. I honestly took a look at what part I might have played in his decision to back away and seriously I can't see anything. So then I realized that yes, he was being honest and true to himself, what right do I have to question that? But now, what is my role in this relationship? I thought I knew, I felt to comfortable with him, we were on the same dance floor, we knew the steps and we had the same song playing in our heads, so what happened? I don't know and he's not really saying. Oh it's probably up to me to bring it up and to open up the communication but why should I have to do it? I resent this, a lot.
But really, these are my feelings and he deserves to know. But by bringing it up again (he probably thinks it's all okay now that a week has past without me saying a word) do I come across as being needy and clingy? Do I come across a the type of woman who can't let things go? Do I come across as the convincer? Please don't do this it hurts me and makes me feel insecure and unsure in our relationship? I can't seem to find a way to broach the subject without sounding like a whiner. And that knee-jerk reaction? My pride wants to tell him to hit the road that we are over. Mature, huh?
Does he really deserve to know what I'm feeling? I need to resolve this, I need to talk it out, I need him to understand that I'm confused and hurt. But I've missed my chance because now he's gone out of town and I won't see him for 2 more weeks. Sigh...
So I've decided to take a wait and see approach, I'm trying to be - ugh! - patient. Nothing has changed between us that I can see so I'm wondering if it was all just a defense mechanism in him. And I know he'll tell me because he's a talker, I just want him to be a listener too.
That's it for now. Relationships are hard and in the past I've just run away from all the drama and emotional sharing, I don't usually play well with others, we'll see what happens this time using my new shut up and wait and see attitude. I hope resentment and unspoken words don't cause a build up that remains unresovled within me cause I don't wanna go there again!
Night all!
Lesley
Well things worked out well today, my son got his math homework done and caught up; my daughter did some housework, always a good thing.
Tonight relationships are on my mind. How hard they are and how people seem to always be on different pages or at different stages in them. When I want to be close, he needs space and then when he wants closeness, I'm off doing something else. Is this always the way when two people try to share their lives? Be it friends or lovers or family or whomever, people are never in sync with this stuff.
Then enter the emotional part of it all. If I'm pissy then why can't I tell him I'm pissy? If he's jealous or unsure, why can't he just say that he's jealous or unsure? We seem to do these dances where neither of us know the steps and if by the off chance that we do know them, we aren't listening to the same music.
So earlier this week he told me that he wanted to take things down a notch. Needless to say I was surprised, well blown away might be a better description of how I felt. Okay, so he's now being honest and forthright with me, telling me what he needs and why. My reaction? Was knee-jerk to say the least. But instead of saying what I was feeling, I felt the door to my heart close, damn thing slammed shut in fact and I haven't been able to really say what I'm feeling since. Well there was this one night when we got drunk on sambuca but that doesn't really count because neither of us remembers what was said.
After I calmed down, I did some journalling about it. I honestly took a look at what part I might have played in his decision to back away and seriously I can't see anything. So then I realized that yes, he was being honest and true to himself, what right do I have to question that? But now, what is my role in this relationship? I thought I knew, I felt to comfortable with him, we were on the same dance floor, we knew the steps and we had the same song playing in our heads, so what happened? I don't know and he's not really saying. Oh it's probably up to me to bring it up and to open up the communication but why should I have to do it? I resent this, a lot.
But really, these are my feelings and he deserves to know. But by bringing it up again (he probably thinks it's all okay now that a week has past without me saying a word) do I come across as being needy and clingy? Do I come across a the type of woman who can't let things go? Do I come across as the convincer? Please don't do this it hurts me and makes me feel insecure and unsure in our relationship? I can't seem to find a way to broach the subject without sounding like a whiner. And that knee-jerk reaction? My pride wants to tell him to hit the road that we are over. Mature, huh?
Does he really deserve to know what I'm feeling? I need to resolve this, I need to talk it out, I need him to understand that I'm confused and hurt. But I've missed my chance because now he's gone out of town and I won't see him for 2 more weeks. Sigh...
So I've decided to take a wait and see approach, I'm trying to be - ugh! - patient. Nothing has changed between us that I can see so I'm wondering if it was all just a defense mechanism in him. And I know he'll tell me because he's a talker, I just want him to be a listener too.
That's it for now. Relationships are hard and in the past I've just run away from all the drama and emotional sharing, I don't usually play well with others, we'll see what happens this time using my new shut up and wait and see attitude. I hope resentment and unspoken words don't cause a build up that remains unresovled within me cause I don't wanna go there again!
Night all!
Lesley
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Blog #1 Ramblings
I'm at home sitting, listening to rock shaw channel 405 and am feeling a bit frustrated with the entire google blog experience. Once I click on AdSense I'm off on another tangent making another account and can't easily find my way back to this blog. And nowhere did it specify I had to verify my account, either one of them so by the time I wound my way through the maze that is google blogging, here I am an hour later feeling a bit tired and frustrated. And to top it all off, I just discovered I've been blocked on msn by a "friend". Such is cyberland.
I have high hopes for this thing, hoping that I'll be able to generate some thoughts and comments amongst my friends and loved ones. They say I'm unavailable by phone, facebook, msn or email - maybe this will help appease them. And just to clarify, maybe there is a reason I'm unavailable, stay tuned to hear about my Curious Life!
Night all!
Lesley
Thought for the day:
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is....if you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly!!
I have high hopes for this thing, hoping that I'll be able to generate some thoughts and comments amongst my friends and loved ones. They say I'm unavailable by phone, facebook, msn or email - maybe this will help appease them. And just to clarify, maybe there is a reason I'm unavailable, stay tuned to hear about my Curious Life!
Night all!
Lesley
Thought for the day:
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is....if you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly!!
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